On Loving and Losing

Something wasn’t right
Something wasn’t in tune
And I couldn’t tell what, or why, as the sky looked all blue and perfect

“Anyone knows where is Coco?”
That’s how I knew something was wrong
Nobody saw him and he didn’t come to me running, begging for food

“I’ll go ask the owner of the building,” a friend stood up.
Off she went, leaving everyone looking all puzzled
Coco never disappeared. Not even once. He was that sweet of a fella

That’s when I started looking for him
All the while trying not to stare at the grey cloud cruelly appearing in my blue sky
Ignoring the sinking feeling, heavy unspeakable weight on my chest

“No news yet?” I tried to prolong my denial
In the splitting seconds, right before she mouthed those words, I knew
Coco was no longer with us. And he will never be. Ever again

I went home all wobbly, so close to getting hit by a pick-up and couldn’t care less
I spent the entire afternoon crying, looked at Coco’s pictures
I slapped instagram filter to make them look better, and cried some more

The pain felt strangely similar to the one I had not too long ago
A feeling that once again made me build a fortress
The same pain that got me wondering if it was all worth it

Then it dawned on me
I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of losing
I was not in love with anyone, and I lost anyway

It caught me off guard, took me by surprise
At the time I least expected it, when everything seemed perfect
When I thought this heart of mine was so well protected it couldn’t get any safer

Amidst the scattered memories and filtered photos, a thought sunk in
Could it be, the only way not to lose is by not being afraid to lose?
Could it be, that loving oneself is the closest thing to the love you’ll never lose?

Maybe it’s true, that everything happens for a reason
Perhaps Coco left so I can begin to see things right
Still, I wish he were still here; my little fella.

0 Replies to “On Loving and Losing”

  1. pernah alami juga bbrp taun lalu. anjing kesayangan, Bonny, mati krn sakit, sedihnya lagi waktu itu saya lagi ga di rumah. wkt pulang tinggal ditunjukkin kuburnya di belakang rmh, langsung deh saya nangis 🙁 diceritain sama mama, kakak cowo saya ga tidur krn temenin Bonny sepanjang malam.

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